I have hit rock bottom. I have hit it so hard I bounce up and hit it again. I am shut down. I am struggling to find the motivation to do the smallest tasks; shower, answer the phone, fold my laundry...
I am so far from the life I imagined for myself that I can hardly believe that this is real. Surely it's a nightmare.
I am 'blessed'... what a tricky word. what a tricky, tricky word... we toss that word about so carelessly. We confine it so tightly within our own contexts and then continually misapply it, leaving others to feel...
cursed(?).
I have parents who let me stay with them, and honestly, were it not for them I would be homeless. They are good to me. The Lord is good to me thru them.
But... there is this disappointment and anger and bewilderment and frustration and ache and depression I can't shake off.
This is not the life I wanted.
I dreamed of a life (esp. by this age) full of travel and financial stability and maybe even a beau.
I had concluded that by this stage in life, I'd either be overseas neck deep in mission work or stateside with my own successful career. Neither are true.
Since moving salons I've nearly lost all my clientele and couldn't begin to tell you why.
After 'losing' most of my friends to moves a little over a year ago, I coped with the loneliness and depression by spending money. Money I had. Money I didn't have... and now I am yoked to a debt I can not afford to pay because my business has dropped so much.
Now before you decide that I'm doing nothing more than having a pity-party, bear with me. That is not what I'm doing. I'm just being honest. Pouring out my heart. Confessing.
This is not the life I wanted. I dreamed of so much more. And, yet, I look back and see how it has been my choice-making (for the most part) that has gotten me here. WHAT?!
HOW?!! did I let this happen? HOW?!! did HE let this happen?
May I be that honest?
May I be that open and raw?
I've got to because this notion I've been handed that we believers, we 'holy one's chosen of the Most High' just don't struggle with such base feelings and emotions- we don't give them any room and if you are struggling with them, then you should pray harder or read your Holy Bible more and fast or work in a soup kitchen is... erroneous.
Mind you, reading your Bible more and praying more and working in a soup kitchen are great things and definitely offer perspective and encouragement, BUT they do not negate the honest, ugly struggle I am having and I am TIRED of this ridiculous and destructive notion that says we are not to struggle and suffer in these ways, or this way... this way that I am.
I am disillusioned.
I feel...
387 different things and processing thru them all, trying to, is exhausting and impossible.
I feel cornered.
My circumstances are nearly entirely out of my control. It feels even more extreme than that.
All these emotions come bubbling up to the top in light of my circumstances.
I feel out of control.
Raw. Wired. Zapped. Frenzied. Lost. Apathetic. Panicked. Numb.
and ... Rage.
I feel an insane amount of rage. The one emotion I can't seem to pretty up with poetic arrangements or forced smiles.
I was my circumstances. I let them define me.
I was a successful hairdresser. I was financially flourishing (ha!). I was well liked. Active social life. The future lie ahead of me full of endless possibility. I was ...
so stupid. so deceived.
so in denial. delusional.
Because it was then, there in that place of comfort, that I tried to make permanent camp.
The tide is low.
The sand is just enough dry and just enough wet to build with.
So... I started building. One castle at a time. An entire city of castles by yours truly.
They were pretty. Comfortable. Roomy. Gaudy. Poorly built. Excessive. Chaotic.
But, at the time, I didn't see an issue with any of that. They were mine and I had this belief, that when need be, He would come in and make them better. He would bless them, because they were my hard work, and isn't hard work blessed?
GAG!!!
Obedience is blessed. They were not sprung out of obedience.
They were mine. My self-protective and self-reliant efforts.
Mine. Mine. Mine.
I could make something of myself. of my life. of my time. of my money. of my dreams. of my situations. of my tragedies. of my pain. of my desire. of my my my my my my MY LIFE!!
Why not? It's mine, right?
I identified myself in these things. Those sand castles like self-portraits.
self. portraits. My identity represented there in each one. Just frail enough that you wouldn't expect too much, just successful enough to be acceptable, in some cases, considered miraculous.
The tide is high.
The swollen waters I could not hold back and all the portraits...
'hard' work... dreams... desires... money... myself in some sense...
washed away.
washed entirely away... you'd never know they were once there.
And now I stand at the ocean's edge bewildered.
unable to grab back from it's mouth the things it took, is taking.
I toy with the idea, the feeble attempt, to build new ones, but...
that foamy water like gnarled teeth that will just rip it all apart.
What am I to do?
I am angry. Angry with my dumb little self covered in fragments, deficits of all I did and didn't...
Wavering between awareness... if I close my eyes just right, I can still see my intricate, little homes.
But the Sun is too bright for me to linger there long. My eyes hurt. My heart hurts. My feelings hurt. Everything hurts. A bad sun burn where any movement is excruciating.
I want to lie down and weep.
Wail.
Let the ache in my guts out- set it loose.
I want to cuss a hail storm. Use words that shoot off the tongue like poison darts and aim them at myself.
I see a reflection in the waters edge... she is awful... she is small and weak and poor and needy and messy and round and lost and insecure and grasping and I loathe her...
I want to aim these darts at her. It's of no use.
The water keeps washing her up to me.
waiting. waiting.
for me to reach down and scoop her up.
Because that is me.
I am no sand castle.
I am ... small. weak. needy. messy. emotional. cripple. round. insecure. small.
I scream at the water. I scream at this Ocean and this Sun.
I bear against it an anger I can not justify. Can you begrudge a fish for being a fish?
Yet, there is this anger... that I am not the Ocean. That I am not the Moon determining it's highs and lows. I do not want to yield to it... to it's perimeters and rhythms...
I wanted it to yield to me. To respect my lines and my desires and do as I told it.
My resolve wears thin and I have grown weary... of fighting against myself.
against this reflection the water hands me.
The Lord is patient and I can not fathom how or why, except that He is perfect and infallible and therefore sees fit to be so.
I wish I could end this... but I can not.
I am in the midst of this struggle.
This identity crisis, crisis of faith... this purification of worship and proclamation of the One.
I am encamped in suffering and struggle.
I know many of the uglies that I wrestle with- the lies I bought into that have born the fruit who's poison is now being extracted from me.
I know with my God there is no turning or shadow, no wrong doing, no sin.
I know that so much of what I'm dealing with right now was self-inflicted... but some was not.
I know that He is using this, I can already see that... how He is changing so many things I thought were ok... they were not.
I know that He loves me. I know that He loves me... John 15...
But I know that head and heart are rarely ever on the same page... my head can see things that my heart can't yet comprehend.
I always thought transformation was ... easy. simple. neat. clean.
Have you ever watched the Chrysalis process? from fat caterpillar to light winged butterfly?
It is beautiful, but it is not simple, neat, or easy looking.
That may sound camp... but... it comforts me, because right now, I feel anything but simple or neat or clean or easy.
This season is the hardest I've yet to face and the reality of myself that is being exposed, is... awful and I've never understood my need for redemption as much as I do now...
so the picture of a Chrysalis is hope for me no matter how camp it sounds.
And more so are the words of the Lord...
Psalm 127
Unless the Lord builds the house,
the builders labor in vain.
Unless the Lord watches over the city,
the guards stand watch in vain.
2 In vain you rise early
and stay up late,
toiling for food to eat—
for he grants sleep to[a] those he loves...
the builders labor in vain.
Unless the Lord watches over the city,
the guards stand watch in vain.
2 In vain you rise early
and stay up late,
toiling for food to eat—
for he grants sleep to[a] those he loves...
Psalm 107
Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good;
his love endures forever.
2 Let the redeemed of the Lord tell their story— those he redeemed from the hand of the foe,
3 those he gathered from the lands,
from east and west, from north and south.[a]
3 those he gathered from the lands,
from east and west, from north and south.[a]
4 Some wandered in desert wastelands,
finding no way to a city where they could settle.
5 They were hungry and thirsty,
and their lives ebbed away.
6 Then they cried out to the Lord in their trouble,
and he delivered them from their distress.
7 He led them by a straight way
to a city where they could settle.
8 Let them give thanks to the Lord for his unfailing love
and his wonderful deeds for mankind,
9 for he satisfies the thirsty
and fills the hungry with good things.
finding no way to a city where they could settle.
5 They were hungry and thirsty,
and their lives ebbed away.
6 Then they cried out to the Lord in their trouble,
and he delivered them from their distress.
7 He led them by a straight way
to a city where they could settle.
8 Let them give thanks to the Lord for his unfailing love
and his wonderful deeds for mankind,
9 for he satisfies the thirsty
and fills the hungry with good things.
10 Some sat in darkness, in utter darkness,
prisoners suffering in iron chains,
11 because they rebelled against God’s commands
and despised the plans of the Most High.
12 So he subjected them to bitter labor;
they stumbled, and there was no one to help.
13 Then they cried to the Lord in their trouble,
and he saved them from their distress.
14 He brought them out of darkness, the utter darkness,
and broke away their chains.
15 Let them give thanks to the Lord for his unfailing love
and his wonderful deeds for mankind,
16 for he breaks down gates of bronze
and cuts through bars of iron.
prisoners suffering in iron chains,
11 because they rebelled against God’s commands
and despised the plans of the Most High.
12 So he subjected them to bitter labor;
they stumbled, and there was no one to help.
13 Then they cried to the Lord in their trouble,
and he saved them from their distress.
14 He brought them out of darkness, the utter darkness,
and broke away their chains.
15 Let them give thanks to the Lord for his unfailing love
and his wonderful deeds for mankind,
16 for he breaks down gates of bronze
and cuts through bars of iron.
17 Some became fools through their rebellious ways
and suffered affliction because of their iniquities.
18 They loathed all food
and drew near the gates of death.
19 Then they cried to the Lord in their trouble,
and he saved them from their distress.
20 He sent out his word and healed them;
he rescued them from the grave.
21 Let them give thanks to the Lord for his unfailing love
and his wonderful deeds for mankind.
22 Let them sacrifice thank offerings
and tell of his works with songs of joy.
and suffered affliction because of their iniquities.
18 They loathed all food
and drew near the gates of death.
19 Then they cried to the Lord in their trouble,
and he saved them from their distress.
20 He sent out his word and healed them;
he rescued them from the grave.
21 Let them give thanks to the Lord for his unfailing love
and his wonderful deeds for mankind.
22 Let them sacrifice thank offerings
and tell of his works with songs of joy.
23 Some went out on the sea in ships;
they were merchants on the mighty waters.
24 They saw the works of the Lord,
his wonderful deeds in the deep.
25 For he spoke and stirred up a tempest
that lifted high the waves.
26 They mounted up to the heavens and went down to the depths;
in their peril their courage melted away.
27 They reeled and staggered like drunkards;
they were at their wits’ end.
28 Then they cried out to the Lord in their trouble,
and he brought them out of their distress.
29 He stilled the storm to a whisper;
the waves of the sea[b] were hushed.
30 They were glad when it grew calm,
and he guided them to their desired haven.
31 Let them give thanks to the Lord for his unfailing love
and his wonderful deeds for mankind.
32 Let them exalt him in the assembly of the people
and praise him in the council of the elders.
they were merchants on the mighty waters.
24 They saw the works of the Lord,
his wonderful deeds in the deep.
25 For he spoke and stirred up a tempest
that lifted high the waves.
26 They mounted up to the heavens and went down to the depths;
in their peril their courage melted away.
27 They reeled and staggered like drunkards;
they were at their wits’ end.
28 Then they cried out to the Lord in their trouble,
and he brought them out of their distress.
29 He stilled the storm to a whisper;
the waves of the sea[b] were hushed.
30 They were glad when it grew calm,
and he guided them to their desired haven.
31 Let them give thanks to the Lord for his unfailing love
and his wonderful deeds for mankind.
32 Let them exalt him in the assembly of the people
and praise him in the council of the elders.
33 He turned rivers into a desert,
flowing springs into thirsty ground,
34 and fruitful land into a salt waste,
because of the wickedness of those who lived there.
35 He turned the desert into pools of water
and the parched ground into flowing springs;
36 there he brought the hungry to live,
and they founded a city where they could settle.
37 They sowed fields and planted vineyards
that yielded a fruitful harvest;
38 he blessed them, and their numbers greatly increased,
and he did not let their herds diminish.
flowing springs into thirsty ground,
34 and fruitful land into a salt waste,
because of the wickedness of those who lived there.
35 He turned the desert into pools of water
and the parched ground into flowing springs;
36 there he brought the hungry to live,
and they founded a city where they could settle.
37 They sowed fields and planted vineyards
that yielded a fruitful harvest;
38 he blessed them, and their numbers greatly increased,
and he did not let their herds diminish.
39 Then their numbers decreased, and they were humbled
by oppression, calamity and sorrow;
40 he who pours contempt on nobles
made them wander in a trackless waste.
41 But he lifted the needy out of their affliction
and increased their families like flocks.
42 The upright see and rejoice,
but all the wicked shut their mouths.
by oppression, calamity and sorrow;
40 he who pours contempt on nobles
made them wander in a trackless waste.
41 But he lifted the needy out of their affliction
and increased their families like flocks.
42 The upright see and rejoice,
but all the wicked shut their mouths.
43 Let the one who is wise heed these things
and ponder the loving deeds of the Lord.
and ponder the loving deeds of the Lord.
I think just by voicing everything that God is going to move in a mighty way in your life. And Imma watch and be astounded. He does not disappoint.
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