This Jordan of Mine.

We are more than conquers...
thru Christ.
in Christ.
because of Him.

I am a recovering victim.  Once lamed by the inflicting blow of another, it's hard not to interpret every false move by those around you as such.
I am very good at being a victim.  It's how I've coped.  How I've managed (in my mind) to avoid the responsibility I've resented.
But it's said that in Him I am more...
How?  Is this question rhetorical?

If circumstances were the sum of all we have, what a tragedy?!
Circumstances... the moving pieces I see...
Facts.  Culminations of situations.
One plus one equals two.
But what if one plus one equals eternity?
What if there is more than what I can see?

I am in a crisis.  Faith meets flesh.
I am waist deep in a strong current in a river and the other side looks less promising than before.
What did it look like before I entered this murky, liquid...shifting waters?  My balance unsteady.
What is lurking around my feet?
I feel vulnerable and threatened.  I feel panicked and trapped.
It's the worse thing to be in a river with a strong current when you forget where it is you're going and you doubt your ability to swim.

We were in Virginia one summer.  A group of us from college.  We were visiting the Brown family.  (Oh, they are such a great family.)
We were an adventurous bunch.  I loved it.  I felt courageous with these peers of mine.  All the neat things I dreamed of trying were now accessible thru them.  Simple things like sledding a steep, snow laden slope... chillin in hot springs high up in the Rockies... swimming after dolphins in the Carolina ocean...
On this particular summer day in Virginia, we were swimming about the James River.  The part of the river we were in was mostly calm.  Then someone said we should swim across to this island of sorts in the river... ok.  I'm game I thought.  We had just spent a week at the ocean.  I grew up swimming in lakes. (Btw, lakes are very different swimming than oceans and big rivers.)
I remember one of the boys saying to me that the current was strong where we would be swimming across and that I needed to just determine to swim and not to hesitate.  Hesitating would be the worst thing.  It would give the current just enough time to suck me in...
And it did. 
I cowered and hesitated to that first bit of resistance and that small island looked years away- I can't do this...
and I was gone.  Floating away faster than I could swim.  I was so taken aback I couldn't seem to recover.  I completely panicked.
Luckily, this guy with the warning was quick thinking and fast on his feet and before tragedy could strike a heavy blow, he pulled this solid, round, scared girl from the waters using brute strength and a really sturdy branch. 
He was my hero.

That story seems so important to me now.  It's like a picture of sorts of how I'm to approach these waters.  I must determine to cross.  To set my face like flint ... to resolve without doubt what is my goal... to rally all my resources... to will this one thing.  This one thing.
This one thing?
To cross this 'Jordan'.  To cross it because it's obedience.

fear. doubt. years of tragic happenings murky these waters.
I know there are Bull Sharks in here.
Piranhas.  Water Moccasins.  Angry Hippos.
All the shadows of my former wanderings.
The Giants I let run me off before... do they still live here?
The peoples, like communities forged together to accomplish this one thing of tattering me to mere fragments so as to burn me in a pile of dejection, will they be waiting on the shore?
(dramatic enough for ya?)

I am every bit as doubtful now as I was in the James River.
Unsure of myself and my ability. 
I thought I would die that day and that I do not exaggerate.
I very well could have.
But there was one there, aware of me.  Sensing my insecurity?
He was ahead of me, but watching me.  Caring that I got across safely.
Caring that I was safe.
And I was just trying to keep my head above water.

It may seem to some of you, I am sure, that I have been in the same place for a very long time.  In some regards, I have.  Healing is awkward and hard and exhausting and a sure killer of ego. I have willingly gone to so many places all along this river's edge with the Lord.  Anything to keep from getting into the water.
But... I am in and it is every bit as terrifying as I imagined.
And I am doubting and these currents are more unkind than any I have known.
They are severe.
They are unyielding.

What I am remembering tonight, as I 'wade' these waters...what I am remembering...recalling...
is the One who is with me.
The One who is ahead of me...watching...caring.  Caring that I am safe.  Caring that I make it across.

These waters are shifting everything.
From here the landscape looks to have changed.  This shore, too, looks years away. 
It is not.  It is just the point from which I look that has changed.
It is no further.  No closer.

I have to remember what I know.  What I knew before I entered in...
The fragrant breezes from across the way; warm bread and honey.
The skyline speckled in pink blossoms and thick green arms raised to Heaven.
The sturdy, sure hand that held mine.
That voice.
That deep... tempered... soothe my soul... steady my feet... all is right in my world... voice.
That voice speaking the promises of a land,
promises of a home,
secure and our own.
Our own home.
Not sand castles washing away in foamy tides.
A solid, strong, foundation secure, home.

I remember His face.  His compassionate features.
Love without words, just a tip of His lip...
just a tilt of His head...
just the gathering of crow's feet round His eyes, wherein all my future lies.

I have to remember.
The water's swells are beating me senseless.
I am so unsure- can I swim?
Remember... One thing.
Will One thing; get to the other side.
He is my lifesaver.  He is my hero.
He swims with me, ever watching.  Aware.